I was thinking of summarize five weeks of my daughter’s poop in a paragraph or two, but that’d be tough because there have been so many good craps. To help with concision and in honor of the Academy Awards (which I am currently watching despite my strong dislike for award shows), I’m going to hand out the “Stoolies”:
The Stoolie for Best Color
In the early days of life, a baby’s poop takes on a variety of colors before settling for a while on mustard yellow (Gulden’s to be specific). But the Stoolie for best poop color has to go to dark green. When I opened that diaper it was just more fun and unexpected to see than any of the others.
The Stoolie for Most Well-Timed Poop
There is a tie for this one. This goes to all the poops that Madeline takes between 6 A.M. and 5 P.M. while I am at school, which means Allison has to change the diapers.
The Stoolie for Biggest Blowout
Ask Allison. The real winners always happen when I am at school.
The Stoolie for Best Overall Poop
Without a doubt, this award goes to Madeline’s second poop, less than a day after birth. Oh man! Baby’s begin life by ejecting marconium (fancy word for dung) which is a substance that strongly resembles tar in both color and viscosity. I was very excited to change her diaper for the first time, but it might have been a bit preemptive. She pooped, so I took off the diaper and cleaned everything up. Then she oozed marconium. I cleaned her butt with a baby wipe. It oozed again. I caught it with a baby wipe. It oozed again. I caught it with a baby wipe. And so forth, seven times. Every time I thought she was finished, more tar oozed out the little asterisk (since it really just looks like this: *). To top it off, she was farting in the middle of one of these so it blew a bubble of tarry poo. What a moment!
If you read this post and were grossed out or offended, I accept no blame. The title of the post is “The Fecal Report” so I feel like that’s kind of your own fault for reading on. Just be thankful I didn’t post pictures.