The Fecal Report

I was thinking of summarize five weeks of my daughter’s poop in a paragraph or two, but that’d be tough because there have been so many good craps.  To help with concision and in honor of the Academy Awards (which I am currently watching despite my strong dislike for award shows), I’m going to hand out the “Stoolies”:

The Stoolie for Best Color

In the early days of life, a baby’s poop takes on a variety of colors before settling for a while on mustard yellow (Gulden’s to be specific).  But the Stoolie for best poop color has to go to dark green.  When I opened that diaper it was just more fun and unexpected to see than any of the others. 

The Stoolie for Most Well-Timed Poop

There is a tie for this one.  This goes to all the poops that Madeline takes between 6 A.M. and 5 P.M. while I am at school, which means Allison has to change the diapers. 

The Stoolie for Biggest Blowout

Ask Allison.  The real winners always happen when I am at school.

The Stoolie for Best Overall Poop

Without a doubt, this award goes to Madeline’s second poop, less than a day after birth.  Oh man!  Baby’s begin life by ejecting marconium (fancy word for dung) which is a substance that strongly resembles tar in both color and viscosity.  I was very excited to change her diaper for the first time, but it might have been a bit preemptive.  She pooped, so I took off the diaper and cleaned everything up.  Then she oozed marconium.  I cleaned her butt with a baby wipe.  It oozed again.  I caught it with a baby wipe.  It oozed again.  I caught it with a baby wipe.  And so forth, seven times.  Every time I thought she was finished, more tar oozed out the little asterisk (since it really just looks like this: *).  To top it off, she was farting in the middle of one of these so it blew a bubble of tarry poo.  What a moment!

If you read this post and were grossed out or offended, I accept no blame.  The title of the post is “The Fecal Report” so I feel like that’s kind of your own fault for reading on.  Just be thankful I didn’t post pictures.



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3 responses to “The Fecal Report

  1. Randy

    Wow, that was some shitty reading.

  2. Aunt Dona

    Holy Crap…. pun intended. I need a strong cup of coffee stat. I’m relieved that we do not have smell-a-vision. A trip down memory lane indeed.

  3. Sheila James

    Oy Vey! You really need to keep for posterity and when Maddie is old enough…put it in a binder for her to read.! Ah, real life!

    Love Grandma :0)

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